You do it. I do it. We all do it. And girls, you have no one fooled, you do it too.
I’m talking about farting, passing gas, cutting the cheese, ripping one, killing the canary, letting one fly, cracking one, cutting one loose or any other colorful euphemism of your choice. Like other taboos it is frowned upon to openly discuss, which makes for many uncomfortable experiences. The closest you can get to any kind of recognized gas passing is participating in or witnessing fart fests with your bros, in which each guy tries to add to the hilarity and depravity of the event by attempting to toot louder and more impressively than all those before. All this teaches us is that it is okay to fart in public as long as you do so more loudly and offensively than the person before you. Allow me to clarify, no it is not.
As natural and universal as it is, flatulence is still widely met with disdain. Thus, all of us tooters are forced to hide in dark corners and areas down wind from those who love us. And so I declare a revolution- I will arm each and every one of you with a definitive guide in guerrilla rectal warfare.
The first step is recognizing what type of toot you deliver. These generally fall into one of four categories.
1. SBS (Silent But Scentless): Gaseous buildup rarely bothers these types as they can dispense their fumes at will without fear of ever being caught as they leave no audible or olfactory evidence. If you belong to this group then consider yourself among the colonically gifted. People in this group have been getting away with tooting since the beginning of time.
2. SBD (Silent But Deadly): People in this category can be likened to ninjas. Silently drifting among us unnoticed then leaving behind a wasteland in their trail. If you are part of this group then you have quickly learned the value, to steal a phrase, of “the fart and depart”. Your survival has been down to your keen sense of timing. Different strategies will be reviewed later.
3. LAP (Loud And Proud): These farts are loud, jolly and harmless. They are a joyous occasion to behold; just think of a baby giggling and innocently letting a fart out, aw so cute! However given the general disgust society has for all breed of fart, people in this category are usually among the most troubled due to the loud nature of their toots.
4. LAF (Loud and Foul): These are the most pompous and pretentious of farts. Offensive and brazen, they are almost always met with immediate disgust. They are as rancid in smell as they are repugnant sounding. This guide is especially for you.
Here are some strategies and things to consider for each type of tooter:
For SBS’s: Get outta here. Quit bragging, no one likes a show off.
For SBD’s: Cardio and High Intensity Interval Training are your best friend. You’ll need the speed and endurance to make a hasty exit once you have done your business. Leave before anyone has noticed what you have done. Or if you have more sadistic tendencies, pick someone nearby to be a scapegoat- the sweaty and overweight are perfect. If you are sitting, lean to one side and lift one cheek off the surface you are seated on to ensure a smooth passageway for your flatulence to travel, this is necessary so the stench does not hang on you. Start to take notice at the same time as someone else, pinch your nose and fan the air in front of your face with an expression of discomfort and make a sly, sarcastic comment along the lines of, “Someone had mexican last night.” Works. Every time.
For LAP’s and LAF’s: Setting is key. Since sound is an issue, the louder the setting the better. Bars and clubs are your allies. With factors such as reverberation and resonance likely to be mistaken for that absolutely kickin’ bass, it is an obnoxious tooters dream land. LAP’s, you may wish to employ the sit and lean technique I described earlier, but heed this warning- when sharing a booth or bench with others vibrations can give you away, so plan accordingly. Strong wind also makes for excellent cover and as long as you stand downwind of your peers, you shall go undetected.
This intestinal guerrilla warfare shall continue until we learn to embrace our bodies and their functions. Until we accept this we will exist in limbo, neither accepting nor rejecting our true human nature. Leaving unidentified odors wafting in the air, lonely, unclaimed and stinky.